The Behind-the-Scenes Life of Artemis Fowl
by FlamingWingsAndFrozenHearts
Summary: What does the juvenile genius do when he's not fighting someone? Take a look behind the scenes at what Artemis Fowl and friends are up to from day to day. Lots of A/H. Rated T for minor language and minor suggestive adult themes.
1. April Fools!

**HollyShortWannaBe: Hey, this is my first Artemis Fowl fanfic, so please review to tell me how I did.**

**Holly: Yeah, or I'll blow your face up with my Neutrino.**

**Artemis: Yeah…what she said**

**HollyShortWannaBe:**** No, you won't. Don't worry, she won't…I hope.**

**Foaly: You guys are so immature, you forgot your lines. HollyShortWannaBe doesn't own any of us, so don't sue her 'cause she doesn't own us. The plot ideas are hers, but we aren't. Meaning the characters. **

**Artemis: Yeah…what he said.**

* * *

Fowl Manor

The date was March 31, and Artemis knew exactly what tricks he would play on who tomorrow. But first, he had to sleep…

* * *

Haven

"Hey, Foaly?"

"Yes, Holly?"

"What's tomorrow?"

"Uh…the first? Oh, April Fools?"

"Yes, good boy. Now, I need your help with something…"

* * *

Fowl Manor

When he woke, Artemis noticed four things; one, he was on the floor; two, he had a shirt on (he had taken it off – just his shirt – before going to bed last night due to the unexpected rise in the temperature); three, that shirt was covered in multicolored, neon hearts; and four, he was wearing hot pink, rather short shorts with tiny neon green unicorns prancing around on the little space there was. Artemis screamed out loud and immediately cursed his brothers, thinking they had somehow managed to undress and redress him, though they were only five and he was sixteen. He went to his closet to find something else to put on and, since the window was open, didn't pay the slightest attention to the breeze that ruffled his neatly hung clothes. Then he heard a slight rustling behind him…

"APRIL FOOLS!", the elf shouted at the top of her lungs, right in Artemis's ear. "AHHH!" Artemis fell to the floor and looked up into the face of the elf, laughing so hard that no noise was coming out. "HOLLY, WHAT THE FU–?", then the boy realized what he was saying, "–udge." The elf had calmed down enough to speak into her now-visible earpiece. "Foaly, did you get all of that?", she asked, still giggling. Artemis looked at her in disbelief. "Well, we couldn't do something like that without recording it!", she explained. The way the boy looked at her made her quickly apologize. "Well, I have to go now. Foaly set me up with Trouble as a prank." She scowled and stepped up to the windowsill. "Bye." With a small wave, she jumped and flew off. Artemis didn't even brother to shut the window behind her before turning his attention to April Fool's. He had always been the target of practical jokes, but today, he would prank everyone he knew, excluding the fairies, as he was supposed to babysit his brothers and wasn't allowed out of the house. First, he had to Google how to pull off a whipped creaming on Myles without him screaming his five-year-old head off. He sat down at his desk and wiggled the mouse to wake up his laptop. Nothing happened. He hit the mouse on the desk. Still, nothing happened. "D'Arvit, what is wrong with this mouse?" Not noticing the slight shimmer in the air behind him, Artemis checked the bottom of the mouse and found a piece of paper taped to it, blocking the red sensor. The paper had little pictograms written on it. A message in Gnommish. He recognized Holly's handwriting immediately, and it didn't take long for him to decipher the message, which said _Gotcha Mud Boy! _Artemis ignored the fact that Holly had missed a comma, and focused on peeling the tape off. Unfortunately, the tape was the result of a lab experiment done by Foaly. The tape was voiced coded, so only the centaur could get it off. This meant that Artemis had to get another mouse. "D'arvit", he muttered to himself as he opened his bedroom door, completely oblivious to the ceram wrap in the doorway. He walked right into it.

"D'Arvit!" He was so fed up now that he didn't notice the tripwire, which he stepped on, causing an entire bottle of whipped cream to be squirted in his face. Of course none got on him, seeing as he was covered in ceram wrap, but he moved his foot off the tripwire, causing a bag of feathers to be promptly emptied over him. "Oh, I give up!", he exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. Holly shut off her shield, materializing in front of him. She had an ear-to-ear grin plastered on her face. "You got that all on video, didn't you?", he asked her. She nodded triumphantly. "It'll be all over the world by tomorrow. Unless…"

"Unless what?"

She smiled playfully. "You have to take me to dinner tonight. At a fancy restaurant. And then you have to take me to a movie."

"But I'm supposed to watch my brothers."

"Juliet'll take care of them."

The boy sighed. "What movie?"

"You'll find out when we get there."

"What if I don't?"

"That video will be all over the world before you can say "stop", and to humans, it'll look like the great Artemis Fowl was beaten by a five-year-old girl."

Artemis sighed again and leaned against the wall, defeated. "Okay. What time should I pick you up?"

* * *

Artemis pulled up next to the disguised shuttleport and unlocked the doors so Holly could get out. Before she opened the door, realization hit him hard in the face.

"Holly, did you…was this supposed to be a _date_?"

The elf looked at him, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Why, yes, Arty, it was." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek before getting out. The boy sat there, dumbfounded. His first date, and he hadn't even known it was a date. And it was a date with a fairy! Artemis stared off in the direction that Holly had gone for a few seconds before pulling away. This was definitely something he would have to record in his diary when he got home.

When he walked in the door, Artemis found Butler, Juliet, his brothers, and his parents watching a movie in the living room. "Where were you?", Butler and Angeline exclaimed unanimously. "Oh, nowhere special", he smiled. "Just went on a date with Holly."

Everyone in the room stared at him, their expressions ranging from surprise to disbelief to _I knew this was gonna happen _(that one was Butler's).

"April Fool's", Artemis said, walking to his room.


	2. Handcuffs!

**Thank you so much to Wings of Sonder and NinjaLordless for leaving very positive reviews. I can't express how much this means to me. Thank you!**

**116 people viewed _April Fool's, _but only two reviewed it. So, I'm hosting a review contest. Leave a theme for the next drabble and a line of dialogue to use in the next drabble. The one I think is funniest or most challenging will win. The next drabble will also be dedicated to the winner. Please review! I want to know if I did something wrong or if you have any suggestions to make my drabbles better. Have fun!**

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* * *

The date was June 7th, and it was a very special day.

Holly's birthday.

Holly visited Foaly in the Operations Booth to see of she could squeeze out any information on a surprise for her that day. She knew Foaly couldn't keep secrets, but so did everyone else, so maybe they just hadn't told him.

"Hey, Foaly."

Foaly looked anxious and rubbed the back of his neck. "Hi, Holly. How are you?"

"I'm good. Guess what today is?"

"Uh, the seventh?"

"And?"

"Fourteen days before the summer solstice?"

"_And?" _

"Um…Saturday?"

Holly looked at him. Her face clearly said that she knew he was faking forgetting about her birthday.

In an attempt to dig himself out of the hole, Foaly put on a look of false realization.

"Oh, happy birthday Holly! You're ninety today, right?"

"Eighty-seven. I was wondering if you had any plans today. Maybe we could go out, shoot swear toads, maybe play a couple games. If everyone else isn't busy."

The centaur's face flashed with worry and sorrow, but it only lasted a millisecond, and Foaly's face returned to normal.

"Actually, ah, today is Caballine's sister's graduation day."

Holly looked at him suspiciously. "The schools are on summer vacation."

"She lives on the surface and goes to a private school. She's adopted."

Holly nodded once and looked back at the door. "Well, I have to go. Artemis is expecting me." She turned before walking out the door and waved. "Bye, Foaly."

As soon as the door shut behind her, Foaly let out a breath that he hadn't realized he was holding. "That was close, Fowl, and it was hard lying to one of my closest friends. Don't _ever _make me do that again."

* * *

_Knock, knock, knock._ " Beckett, give me that!" Artemis commanded his little brother, snatching his dad's car keys from Beckett's hand. "Coming!", he called to the door. He sincerely hoped it was Holly. He had to get her away fast, before Mulch showed up with decorations. The dwarf had offered to bring the cake, but that offer was quickly declined, so he was stuck with decor. Artemis had been put in charge of occupying Holly for a couple hours so the rest could set up for her party at Fowl Manor. He answered the door and sighed with relief as he saw Holly's slim figure in the doorway. "Hello, Holly, and happy birthday. Eighty-seven, right?"

"Yes. You remembered."

"Of course I did, Holly. You're my best friend."

Holly smiled, but Artemis could see that she suspected something.

"Artemis, I was wondering, do you have any plans today?"

"Yes, actually, I do. That movie you like is playing at the local theater, and I was wondering if you would let me take you. As a birthday gift."

"Sure, Arty. I would love to go. When does it start?"

"In about half an hour. We could stop for lunch if you're hungry."

"Okay. Sounds fun. You're buying, right?"

"Of course. Why make the birthday girl pay?"

"So, when do we leave?"

Artemis started walking toward the garage and motioned for her to do the same. "How about right now?" "As long as the windows are rolled down.", Holly obliged and followed him.

* * *

"So, the movie is in the _I'ma Killer _series, right?"

"Artemis sighed. "Yes. I cannot see why you like those movies so much."

The elf shrugged. "They're addicting."

Just then, Artemis's phone rang. Before answering it, Artemis slowed down, because there was a police car right behind them. "Hello?"

"Hey, Artemis, is Holly with you and where are you headed?" Mulch had called.

"Yes, and I'm taking her to a movie."

"What movie?"

"_I'ma Killer of Love._"

"_What_?"

"One in the _I'ma Killer _series."

"Oh. Cool. Butler said hi. Gotta go. Bye."

"Goodbye, Mulch."

* * *

The cop heard something totally different. He was just cruising around, eating a donut (typical) with his window down, when the boy driving the car in front of him had a particularly interesting phone conversation. He only heard part of it, but to him, it was enough.

"Yes…I'm taking her…I'ma killer…"

Now, this particular policeman was from down south, Florida to be exact, so 'I'ma killer' sounded a lot like 'I'ma kill 'er', which, if you're northern, translates to 'I'm gonna kill her'. Any responsible cop would've pulled over the car immediately, so that's what he did. He stuck his megaphone out the window and said, "Pull over." No pleases, because the cop was under the impression that the man in front of him was a murderer.

* * *

"Pull over.", the cop behind them shouted through his megaphone.

Artemis pulled over and felt his heart skip a beat as the cop walked over to their car.

"Sir, step out of the vehicle and put your hands on your head."

Artemis did as he was told, giving Holly a worried look as he stepped out.

"Officer, is something wrong?"

The cop placed handcuffs around the boy's wrists and strolled over to the car.

"Are you okay, miss?", he asked Holly.

"I'm fine, sir. May I ask the problem here?"

"Dont play dumb with me, little lady. You're safe now. Where are your parents?"

Holly scowled at him. "I'm not playing dumb and why wouldn't I be safe? Oh, and my parents live in Dublin. They think I'm on my way to the evening showing of _I'ma Killer of Love."_

"You're not where they think you are?"

"Of course not. Instead, I'm on the side of the road as my boyfriend gets arrested for nothing. Who would've thought?"

The cop looked confused. "Your _boyfriend_?"

Holly let out an exasperated sigh. "Yes, my boyfriend. Just because I'm sixteen years old and three feet tall doesn't mean I'm immature." She walked over to Artemis and put her arm around his waist. "It's our second anniversary.", she told the officer. "We were going to the movies, but obviously we won't make it there in time for the movie." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed Artemis on the cheek.

The cop suddenly looked embarrassed. "Well, um, sorry for the inconvenience. But did you know, sir, that you were speeding?"

Artemis looked surprised. "No, sir, I didn't. I checked my speedometer before we left, and I always drive ten miles per hour under the speed limit to be safe. How was I speeding?"

"You weren't, but I'm new, so, for the sake of my job, you were speeding."

"Yes sir. Just, please, make it cheap."

"I'll try, sir. I'll try."

* * *

"Well, Holly, thank you for getting us out of that. Although I think the kiss on the cheek was a little unnecessary."

"That's why I did it, Arty."

They got to the theater just in time. After the movie, Holly was not surprised when they stopped in front of his house.

The boy motioned for her to come in. As soon as the door opened, Butler, Juliet, Mulch, and Foaly shouted "SURPRISE!" at the top of their lungs. Artemis came in behind the elf. "Surprise.", he repeated, brandishing the speeding ticket. "Does anyone have one hundred dollars on them?"


	3. The Smoothie

**Guys. I got, like, two reviews. Please please please review!**

**Out of the two reviews that I got, by Blue the Assasin and silviaastrid 112, I liked Blue's idea better. Blue suggested the following: **

**"Alright.", said Holly, opening the door with decidedly more confidence than she felt.**

**Artemis looked at her, his face red. He was standing in the middle of his room wearing a pair of black slacks and holding a shirt. His hair was wet and messy, meaning he had just gotten out of the shower. "You came early.", he observed. "Did you bring a papaya?"**

**Thank you to Blue the Assasin for submitting this wonderful idea and to silviaastrid 112 for submitting yours also. The next review contest is a trivia challenge. Submit your answer and a line of dialogue for the next drabble in your review. The first to get it right wins! Here's the question:**

**What is the name of the youngest person to receive a blue diamond tattoo at Madame Ko's academy, and how old was he/she?**

**Warning: this drabble has some semi-graphic comtent. Nothing violent or sexual, just… gross.**

* * *

"Okay, so everyone knows what they are bringing?", Juliet asked once they were all back in the living room.

"Yes, Jules.", Butler rumbled. "We know. Like we did the first fifty times you asked us."

"Sorry, Dom. I just don't want this to be messed up. Everyone has to bring the food they were assigned or it won't work."

"Why can't we know what everyone else is bringing?", No°1 piped up.

"Because", Juliet said with a grin, " if you knew all the ingredients, you wouldn't want to come."

* * *

"Alright.", said Holly, opening the door with decidedly more confidence than she felt.

Artemis looked at her, his face red. He was standing in the middle of his room wearing a pair of black slacks and holding a shirt. His hair was wet and messy, meaning he had just gotten out of the shower. "You came early.", he observed. "Did you bring a papaya?"

"How'd you know I was supposed to bring a papaya?"

"I've done this before. Seeing as you're the only one of us with direct access to a papaya, she obviously asked you to bring it."

Holly looked at the white shirt he had slipped over his head. "I've done this before too, and unless you want that shirt to turn throw-up-green, I suggest you put on a different one."

The boy sighed. "Holly, I'm sure it will be fine."

"I'm being serious, Mud Boy. Once that stuff gets on something, it never comes off. Look." She pulled up her shirt halfway and pointed to a green spot on her side. "We were in the pool when we did it. That stuff flew everywhere and stained even the concrete. It stinks too. Not that I want you to smell my side."

Artemis walked over to the bed, where he picked up a perfectly ironed black jacket. "It won't be that bad this time.", he said, but he didn't convince even himself. Still, he was not wearing anything but an Armani suit.

"Whatever.", Holly said, walking out. "Just don't come cryin' to me when your expensive suit is ruined."

Ten minutes later, Artemis walked out wearing jeans, a huge red T-shirt, and a scowl.

* * *

"Are we there yet?", No°1 asked impatiently from the backseat.

Artemis groaned. "I am neve_r _having kids.", he said to Holly, who was sitting next to him. "Ever."

Holly smiled. "That's what my mother said. Then I happened."

Much to No°1's delight, the trio then pulled up at Fowl Manor. They walked around to the back of the house, where Foaly, Mulch, Juliet, and Butler were waiting, some ( meaning Mulch) very impatiently. No one was in their good clothes.

"What took you so long?", the dwarf called. "I'm getting old over here!'

Which just made No°1 walk faster and Artemis and Holly walk slower.

When the boy and the elf finally reached the picnic table that had been set up in the field behind the house, Juliet took charge once more. "Okay, everyone close your eyes and set what you brought on the table in front of you."

They then heard the lid being taken off the blender, the food being dumped in, and the blender running. Then came the unpleasant sound of the concoction being poured into cups.

"You can open your eyes now."

The six p(P)eople around the table opened their eyes to find a plastic cup full of something the color of vomit in front of them. Foaly grimaced; Artemis actually threw up in his mouth. No°1 was horrified. "Are we gonna have to– gulp– _eat that_?!

Juliet had on an evil smirk. "Exactly, demon boy. You have to eat that. If you don't, there are serious consequences."

The imp nodded, his face the same shade of green as the stuff in his cup.

"And what exactly are the consequences?", Foaly inquired, somewhat doubtfully.

Juliet looked at him. "Do you really want to know?"

"Probably not–"

"Then drink up."

The centaur did as he was told, as did the other occupants of the table, minus one Juliet Butler. She was enjoying the looks on her friends' faces as they drank the chunky liquid. In fact, she almost fell off the bench, she was laughing so hard.

When everyone had emptied their cup, Juliet pulled her phone out to read the list of ingredients.

"You guys ready to know what you just ate?"

Her question was met with shaking heads and moaned "no"s, which she totally ignored and started reading from the list.

"First ingredient: avocado."

Sighs. That didn't sound too bad.

"Second ingredient: raw chicken liver."

Artemis puked in his mouth again.

"I'm enjoying this.", Juliet smiled. "Third: papaya. Fourth: sardines. Fifth: charred broccoli. And sixth:…"

No°1 was now furiously shaking his head and Foaly was leaning over the bench, green as the grass he was soiling. Holly had her face in her hands, her pinkies partly plugging her ears, but she was too curious to plug them all the way. Butler looked sickly at the cup in front of him, as if it was its fault that he had eaten this, and Artemis, well, I'd rather not go into detail about his appearance. Let's just say he has a weak stomach and his head was face first on the table.

"Maggots!"

At this, everyone was regretting eating breakfast. I will NOT go into detail on this, so fast-forwarding…

**About 20 minutes later, in Fowl Manor's living room**

"Well, that was fun. But I need some time alone."

Artemis climbed the stairs to his room and laid on his bed, glad he had listened to Holly and worn junky clothes instead of a suit like the one he had on now. Downstairs, Holly excused herself to go to the restroom and quietly entered the boy's room.

"Hey, Artemis?", she said, shutting the door behind her.

"Yes, Holly?", came the reply.

"You, um, looked really sick out there. Do you need a healing?"

_Holly, that is all I want. Yes. A healing. _"No, Holly. Thank you for the offer, but I feel fine."

* * *

**Remember to review. You could win a contest. Just please review. Give me ideas on future drabbles, or suggestions on how to improve my writing style, or your opinion on this drabble, or SOMETHING. More A/H? Less A/H? Other ships worth mentioning? Tell me in a review. Please!**


	4. The Unexpected Traitor

**This is an advertisement for my new action/romance story, _Artemis Fowl: The Unexpected Traitor. _Please take a look at it!**

* * *

Artemis pulled his soul from his body and looked down as Holly fell to her knees, tears running down her face. He resolved to live a long life before he died again, as removing himself from his body was a very unpleasant experience. He resisted the strong urge to pass on to the afterlife. He knew that a person with as much willpower as he could stay on Earth as a ghost for a few years at the most. He hoped the clone would be ready by then.

Artemis looked around, his eyes landing on Opal, and spotted something glowing on the dead pixie's body. He floated down to examine it closer. The strange substance was two colors: one, a light blue, and the other a dark purple. Artemis realized that this wasn't physical matter. What he was seeing was magic. He realized that the small amount of blue represented the sliver of regular magic Opal had had in her system, and the purple covering most of her body represented the black magic Opal had used to open the Berserker Gate. He knew this magic would eat his soul if he embraced it, but he also knew that it would affect the people and animals on the property, so, reaching out one transparent hand, he grabbed the black magic and used it to propel himself across the world, where he deposited most of it in an abandoned city. He kept just enough to shoot himself back to Fowl Manor, then he turned to the tiny specks of blue scattered across the pixie's body.

_Now, what to do with that?,_ he asked himself. He decided that the best course of action was to absorb it. There wasn't even enough to heal a fingerprick, but Artemis decided to complete the ritual when he got another body. If Foaly was smart enough to know what his plan had been.


	5. A Strange Pet

**Sorry about the last chapter. No, it was not a mistake, and yes, it was an advertisement. Please check out my new story!**

**Yes, I do take your ideas into consideration, but I had this idea and I thought you would like it! Remember to review!**

* * *

Artemis was trying as hard as possible to have a normal day. Not that he knew what normal was, but he'd looked up the definition, and was trying to abide by it. He had cereal in cold milk for breakfast that morning, he dressed in jeans and a navy blue T-shirt (which he did not enjoy), and he went outside after breakfast and walked around in the field behind his house, when he saw something silver flash behind a tree in the forest. He went to investigate, and at first, he thought he was hallucinating. He leaned against a tree and closed his eyes, repeating the number four to himself. _Okay, so no Atlantis Complex. But how?_

He looked at the strange beast. The foal was small, no more than a few days old. It would have looked like a perfectly normal foal– its white coat was not that absurd, nor were its hooves, black as night– if it weren't for two things: its silver mane and tail, and the single horn on its forehead, also silver. Artemis pressed the button on his fairy communicator. "Holly", he said, holding his hand up to his ear. "I think you'd better take a look at this."

Artemis greeted Holly at the door. "So, why'd you call me here, Arty? It's my day off."

"Sorry, Holly. You won't believe me if I tell you, so let me show you."

They walked around to the back of the house and to the place where Artemis first saw the unicorn. It was still there, laying in the grass.

"Oh my gods.", Holly whispered. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you set this up. But I know better."

Artemis looked at the sleeping foal. "Well, what do you suggest we do with it?"

Holly thought a moment, then answered, "We could take it in, since it looks like it's an orphan. Hold on, I'll call Foaly."

Holly pulled out her cell phone, dialing the number.

* * *

"Well, Foaly, what do we do with it?"

Foaly studied the foal. It was still asleep in the grass. "Well, I would bring it back to Haven, but I don't think it would like being away from the sun."

Holly looked at him. "And we are concerned about its wants because..."

"Unicorns are very temperamental, especially when they don't get what they want or they do something they don't want to do. And believe me, you don't want a mad unicorn on your hands."

At that moment the unicorn woke up. It lifted its head and looked around. Once it spotted Artemis, it got up and trotted over to him. Before he could react, the foal was nuzzling his legs and rubbing against him much like a cat would. He looked at Foaly. "I'm guessing this is a good sign?"

Foaly nodded. "Looks like you've got yourself a unicorn, Artemis.'

"I didn't say I was adopting it–"

"Do you really want to argue? With a unicorn? It may be young, but its horn is still razor-sharp. And being stabbed with it really hurts."

Artemis sighed. "Well, I guess I have a unicorn now. I wonder what Mother will say. And does it need a name?"

Foaly sighed. "No, it _has_ a name. It will tell you when it's ready to tell you. Unicorns name themselves, so maybe this one hasn't chosen one yet."

Holly looked at it. "It _is _cute, but where are you gonna keep a unicorn?"

Artemis ran his fingers through the unicorn's mane. "Well, isn't that the question of the year?"

"Is it male or female?"

_Do you people not know how to tell? Seriously, I'm only a few days old and I know how to tell. You look–_

"Yes, we know how to tell.", Foaly said. "We just have the decency to not look without permission. So, are you a filly or a colt?"

The foal snorted. _I am a filly._ She trotted to where they could all see her clearly and flipped her silver mane. _How do I look?_

The three friends looked at each other. The filly stamped her hoof. _Well?_, she demanded.

Holly answered her. "How do you think you look?"

If looks could kill, Holly would be dead for the glare the filly shot her. In an attempt to break the tension, Artemis asked, "So, what is your name? I mean, what should we call you?"

The unicorn let out an exaggerated sigh. _I know what a name is, Artemis. And I'm only a few days old. I haven't chosen one yet. I need suggestions._

"How about–", Foaly started.

The foal swung her head in his direction. _Not you. Him. _She turned to Artemis. _If you hadn't come along sooner or later, I might have dehydrated enough to kill me, since there's no fresh, clean water around here.. I owe you my life. You will take care of me, right? _She looked at him with her big, brown eyes, knowing very well that she would get whatever she wanted.

Artemis sighed again. "Yes, of course I'll take care of you. And you look beautiful."

The foal let out a little whinny and trotted over to him, looking happy.

_Álainn, then._

Holly looked at her. "What?"

_My name. It will be Álainn. The Irish word for beautiful._

"Awww" cooed Holly. "They're bonding."

_I'll live outside. I just need brushing and a steady water supply. Unicorns graze from the day we are born, so I'll help keep your lawn trimmed. But I will need water. Lots of it._

"There's a lake over there.'

_Lake water!? I would NEVER drink _lake water. _Yuck! _Álainn looked disgusted at the mere thought of drinking lake water.

"Okay. I guess I've got myself a unicorn."

* * *

"You WHAT?"

Artemis looked both scared and worried as he tried to explain that he had basically been forced to adopt a unicorn filly and that she wouldn't require a lot of care–she'd even keep the yard trimmed and weed-free. His mother did not agree. So he took her outside to meet Álainn. Within five minutes, Álainn had talked her into letting Artemis keep her.

_Well, Arty, you've got yourself a unicorn._

* * *

**Sorry about the wait. Please review!**


	6. One Hell Of A Mud Boy

**Hey, I'm back with another chapter! I will be updating but not very frequently as I am slowing this and other stories down to work on** The Unexpected Traitor** and** An Intense Game Of Truth or Dare.

* * *

"I don't know how you did it, Mud Boy."

"I know I've said this before, but Artemis, you're a genius."

"How the hell did you do it? I couldn't even clone a unicorn with a lab full of equipment, much less the stuff inside a few broken desktop computers."

Artemis smiled smugly. Once again, he had done something impossible. "I wonder what Álainn will think."

"Is it male or female?", Holly asked.

Artemis looked at her. "Female, of course. Álainn is only four months old, but I am not stupid."

"What's her name?", Foaly asked.

"She hasn't chosen one yet."

Holly and Foaly dropped their jaws simultaneously. Butler was not surprised in the least. Sixteen years bodyguarding a child prodigy can do that to you.

"How –how–how can she _choose_?", Foaly sputtered. "She's–she's a clone!"

Artemis grinned. So he had finally gotten past fairy technology. "Simple, really. AI."

"Artificial intelligence.", Foaly muttered. "But she's a clone. AI only works on robots, right?"

"Wrong. The cloned unicorn can process speech, respond in the language she was spoken to, and make decisions for herself. The telepathy bit was harder, and required a few materials not found in a few broken desktops. Therefore, she responds out loud."

"But, Artemis, _how the hell did you make the machine in the first place_?", Holly asked.

"That, my friend, I could not tell you if I wanted to. I was in my meditating state when I built it, and when I was done, I collected a few of Álainn's tail hairs, put them in the machine, and it worked. It was a simple matter to add the AI to the intelligence level of an average unicorn, and voilà. A cloned unicorn who can think and act for herself."

"That is D'Arvitting amazing." After Foaly said this, Artemis chuckled.

"So, I have managed to do something found as amazing in the eyes of the People's most brilliant centaur. Foaly, I think this proves it."

"Proves what?", Foaly asked, genuinely confused.

"I'm smarter than you."

Foaly whinnied in protest, but the teenage genius had voiced a command to his unicorn clone and motioned for the others to follow him. "Come. Let's introduce Álainn to her new friend."

Holly breathed in the fresh air of the early afternoon. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, yet the temperature was not too hot. It was a perfect day for cloning unicorns.

"Álainn!", Artemis called. "I want you to meet someone."

The unicorn filly trotted out of the forest and whinnied as she spotted her caretaker. _Artemis, how are you?_ The foal stopped in her tracks as she spotted the clone, who walked toward her slowly as if contemplating whether or not this new unicorn was friendly.

_Amazing, _Álainn mused. _It's like she's thinking. How did you do it?_

"So you can tell she's a clone.", Artemis responded.

Álainn looked at him, visibly insulted. _Of course I can tell she's a clone. She looks exactly like me and, although she looks intelligent, she does not quite have the posture and grace of a real unicorn. I'm young, not stupid._

Artemis nodded. "Of course."

_Can she hear me?_

"Unfortunately, no, as I did not have the materials to enable her to send or receive telepathy, so if you wish to speak to her, you must speak out loud."

_I'm a unicorn. How the__ hay am I gonna communicate with her?_

"Well, she knows how to read, so you could write in the dirt."

Álainn rolled her eyes. _I could have thought of that, genius. _At his side, Holly snickered at the young unicorn's remark.

_What's her name?_

"She hasn't chosen yet. Why don't you go help her choose? Introduce yourself and get to know her. You too.", he said, motioning to the clone. The two fillies trotted off towards the lake, which was sparkling in the sunlight. Álainn turned to look at him.

_Artemis, you are one hell of a Mud Boy._

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**I need ideas, guys! Review!**

**Fact: I'm getting writer's block for this story. : (**

**Fact: Reviews are a known cure for writer's block.**

**See the relationship?**


	7. Bunny Troubles

**Okay, so I was playing with my bunny, and I had this INSANE idea. I might continue it later. Depends on the feedback. Sorry for the shortness, that's kinda all I got.**

**BTW thus is HollyShortWannaBe, I changed my name. U like it?**

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Another normal day at Fowl Manor.

That is, if you classify two five-year-old boys running around screaming intelligent and petty insults at each other, a teenage prodigy talking to an elf on his hand phone, and a pair of unicorns grazing in the backyard as _normal. _Which, for them, it is.

But that's not important. Back to the teenage prodigy talking to an elf on his hand phone.

_Ring, ring._

"Hello, Holly."

"Hey, Mud Boy. What's up?"

"The sun."

"Ha ha, very funny. Now get down here."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Get down here."

"Why? Has Opal miraculously come back to life and killed everyone? Or have the goblins got a new leader? Or perhaps Briar Cudgeon is back? Or are the demons just too much without my geni–"

"Okay, Arty, don't get a big head. Foaly just wants to prove he's smarter than you. He's still sour about what you said when you cloned your unicorn using only the materials inside a few broken desktops."

"In that case, I'll be there in, let's see, about twenty minutes."

"Kay. Bye."

Twenty minutes later, Artemis, Holly, and No°1 were gathered inside Foaly's lab. Holly hugged her demon friend, then asked, "No°1, what are you doing here?"

"I'm helping Foaly with his project. He needed a warlock to cast a spell, and when he told me I'd get to see you and our favorite Mud Boy, I couldn't say no."

Foaly walked in and led them down a hallway. He stopped somewhere in the middle and opened a door on the left. They walked into a fairly large room with two cages sitting on a table in the center. One had a white rabbit in it, the other had a black rabbit.

"Foaly, what are you going to do with the rabbits? Does the Council know about this?" Holly asked, walking up to one of the cages. She put her fingers through the bars, and snapped them back when the white rabbit inside lunged for her.

"Oh, be careful with him. That's Snowball. He's …tempermental. Half temper, half mental. This is Fluffy. She's way sweeter than Snowball." Foaly trotted to the counter and picked up a piece of paper, which he handed to No°1. "This is the spell you're going to cast."

He turned to Artemis. "So, Mr. Showoff, what I'm going to do is switch these rabbits' bodies with their souls. We will know if it worked if Fluffy suddenly becomes mean and Snowball becomes nice."

Artemis looked at him skeptically and Holly rolled her eyes. _Males. Always trying to prove who's better. I'm gonna kill him if either of those bunnies get hurt._

The bunnies didn't get hurt, but she just about killed him anyway, because no one could've predicted what happened next.

No°1 read the spell, and a few moments later, finished and looked at Foaly. He turned to Artemis to say "I told you so", but Artemis was on all fours, sniffing the floor. Holly had crawled over to the table and was sniffing the table leg. Foaly looked at the rabbits in the cage. The white one looked suspiciously as if he had his front legs crossed, and the black one was trying with great difficulty to make a very rude gesture involving her middle toe, but found it impossible and instead looked at Foaly and dragged her paw across her throat in the "I'm gonna kill you" gesture.

No°1 looked in confusion from the people on the ground to the bunnies in the cage, and after a moment, he understood what had happened. "Foaly, when we fix this, you are _dead. _Since a certain elf/rabbit does not look happy." The elf/rabbit in question was furiously ripping up the newspaper in her cage and trying to strangle the plastic duck. "Yup. Definitely _not_ happy."


	8. Don't Put Red Bull In Your Coffee

**Heya! It's been FOREVER since I updated this. Note to self: Don't put Red Bull in your coffee. WEEEEEEE! I'M SPINNING! Now I'm dizzy… Ahh, head spinning! NO! CREEPY STALKER GUY IS BACK! NOOOOOOO! *runs for my life because creepy stalker guy upgraded from a super long knife to a freakin flamethrower* BYEEEEE!**

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There was a knock at the door.(so ominous. I think I start all my stories like this)

"Come in!" Artemis yelled from the study, because the knock was super loud and he could hear it through his sound proof study door.

The person, who happened to be Holly, came in. "Hello?" She called.

Artemis came down from his study. "Hello, Holly. Want a pleasant surprise. At…seven o'clock in the morning." He yawned. "What brings you here?"

"I came to introduce you to the wonderful world of coffee." Holly grabbed his hand and pulled him into the kitchen, where she made him a cup of coffee. She held it out to him. "Here. Drink it."

Artemis drank it. And promptly spit it back out.

"Akkk! What is this stuff?"

"Coffee."

Artemis looked down at the brown liquid in his cup as if it were the most revolting thing he'd ever looked at. "It's _gross!"_

Holly crossed her arms across her chest stubbornly. "That's a waste of coffee. So you're still gonna drink it. All of it."

"Why? What have I ever done to you?"

"Hmm, let's see: you kidnapped me, held me for ransom, tricked me, blackmailed me, and almost betrayed me. Need I go on?"

"No, no, I'll drink it." He opened the refrigerator to find something good to put in the coffee(I've always wondered why they call it a REfrigerator. It's not like everything you put in in has already been frigerated.), and pulled out a can of the worst thing possible at this moment and dumped it in his coffee. Holly saw the label on the can right before Artemis opened it and dumped it. Only years of LEP training stopped her from screaming at the top of her lungs. Because she did not like what the label said. Oh, no, she did not like it at all.

It said…

Red Bull.

As if in slow motion, Holly jumped up to knock the can out of his hands…and failed.

Artemis looked at her like she was a crazy person and downed the cup if coffee. The whole friggin thing.

There was only one word going through Holly's mind at the moment.

_D'Arvit._

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**Ahh, the suspense! Too disoriented by caffeine to continue right now, might continue later! Review!**


	9. Frozen

**Don't worry! Bunny Troubles and Red bull in Coffee will be back! I just had to feed this weird, random plot bunny…**

**To all you _Frozen _fans out there! And to the rather violent plot bunny who is the reason for this delightful chapter! **

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Artemis woke up to a strange draft of cold air blowing right on his face. In the middle of summer. And he could've sworn that he saw a snowflake.

It was harder to move than usual, even though he'd slept late and shouldn't be tired at all. He walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror…

"MYLES AND BECKETT! YOU ARE DEAD!"

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_Stupid alarm clock, _Holly thought. She had forgotten to shut it off and it was now blaring in her face. She got up, knowing that she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, and decided to visit Foaly in the Ops Booth. She walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror…

"AHHHHH!"

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Artemis stormed down the hallway to the boys' room and slammed the door open. "Boys! Explain yourselves!" Myles was fast asleep and Beckett looked like he had just woken up. "What?" The boy asked groggily. "Ha, Artemis, you look funny. Why're you dressed like that?"

For Artemis Fowl II was the spitting image of Kristoff Bjorgman from Disney's hit film _Frozen._

* * *

Holly took off the hideous dress and untied the pigtail braids before storming off to the Ops Booth.

"Foaly!" She shouted after banging the door open with the force of a nuclear explosion. "Why did I wake up dressed as Anna from that stupid Mud Man movie! That dress was a hassle to take off! Explain yourself!"

Foaly put his hands up. "Hey, I didn't do it. And what do you mean, it _was_ a hassle to get off?"

Holly looked down and realized that the dress was still on. She fingered her hair. Yep. Pigtail braids.

"UGHH!" She groaned. Then she took a closer look at her centaurian friend. "Foaly, you look like–"

"Sven, I know. Stupid reindeer." Sure enough, Foaly was wearing a large strap-on reindeer snout, an antler hairband, and a halter. "No matter how hard I try, I can't get the damn things off."

The door flew open, and a marshmallow walked in. At least, that's what it looked like. In reality, Mulch had been spray-painted white and had a strap-on carrot nose and a little stick poking out of his head. He looked for all the world like Olaf.

"Why?" Mulch asked, not even bothering to shut the door. "WHY?!"

* * *

Artemis knocked on Butler's door, and was answered with a muffled "Come in." He walked in the room and found his bodyguard shaving off a head of red hair. He was decked out in a suit that only Prince Hans of the Southern Isles would wear. He finished shaving and dried his head, only to find that the hair had grown back to its original position. "You too?" Artemis groaned. Butler simply nodded, afraid that he would shatter windows if he opened his mouth. Juliet walked in then, not bothering to knock. She eyed them, amused, before announcing, "Holly's coming over."

"WHAT?!" Artemis screamed, racing out of the room. Juliet chuckled. Butler took one look at her before saying, "You should talk."

Juliet ran her hand over her white braid. "At least I look good as Elsa. You two, on the other hand, look like a couple of overgrown five-year-olds waiting for Halloween." Butler rolled his eyes. "You know what's funny about this whole situation?" His sister asked. "Holly just called. She's Anna."

* * *

Artemis screamed again as the doorbell rang. "I'll get it." Juliet called. She opened the door to find Holly, Foaly, and Mulch at the doorstep. "Come on in, princess, reindeer, and marshmallow." This earned her glares from all three.

"Come on down, guys! We need to asses the situation, according to Rudolph." Juliet yelled to the men in the house.

Foaly glared at her, but shifted his gaze to the stairs as Artemis and Butler came down. Holly, on the other hand, turned as red as the stupid pigtail braids when she saw who Artemis had been dressed up as.

Foaly noticed, too. "Oh. My. Frond. Artemis. You're Kristoff. And Holly's Anna."

Artemis was currently redder than Holly, if that was even possible. "I am aware of that, centaur. I trust you are aware that you have been dressed as a mentally challenged reindeer? If that is not an insult, I don't know what is."

Foaly opened his mouth to retaliate but was cut off by Mulch. "Insulting? INSULTING? I'm dressed as a d'arvitting MARSHMALLOW for Frond's sake!"

Of course, no one insulted Butler's costume. One would have to be extremely stupid, extremely confident in their fighting abilities, or both, to insult Butler.

"Okay, we need to figure out what the hell's going on. Lovebirds, go up in Artemis' study and hack into Rudolph's system to fiind out who did this."

Holly looked pointedly at Mulch and Foaly. "You heard her, boys. Lovebirds to the study." Foaly made the "I'm gonna kill you" sign at her as she and Artemis made their way to the study. Then the doorbell rang. They raced back down the stairs to see who it was…

Thirty seconds later, four outraged _Frozen _characters were chasing a certain demon warlock around the mansion while a giant Hans lookalike and a skinny Elsa wannabe watched in amusement.

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**Not my best work. Then again, it's 11:48 at night. Good night, FanFiction! Shit, I have school tomorrow…**


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